Home / Just For Laughs / 22 Of The Worst Gym Personalities You’ll Ever Encounter
22 Of The Worst Gym Personalities You’ll Ever Encounter14/01/2018
With the New Year in full swing, the influx of wankers entering a gym near you is vast.
The worst part?
You’re more than likely going to come across most, if not all of these gym personalities at some point if you haven’t done so already.
Think it’ll be a smooth road to getting cut and jacked this year?
Amidst all the broscience, hype and rush to get lean in 15 (seriously?) there are 22 gym rats waiting to troll your workout and make you never want to forget your headphones at home ever again.
Gym Personalities: The Worst of The Worst
#1 – The New Year’s Resolutioner
This specimen’s objective is to ‘get in better shape’.
They can often be heard muttering the words “new year, new me” over and over again like a crazed schizophrenic throughout each repetition.
As if that wasn’t enough:
You’ll often find they’ll get in your way at almost every set as they reach for the dumbbells or other piece of gym equipment you were about to use.
Coincidence or just a plain cunt?
We think the latter.
Telltale signs of a New Year’s Resolutioner:
Finishing off their sloppy set of crunches before proceeding to the mirror to check on their imaginary abs.
They do not have an ounce of muscle on their body and will never be seen again by February.
#2 – The Old Creeper In The Locker Room
This man has absolutely no intention of working out.
His idea of cardio is to do 45 minutes of sitting naked in the locker room watching everyone else undress to bolster his heart rate.
Bored? Lonely? Or just a complete sick fuck?
Most certainly all of the above.
Telltale signs of the Creepy Old Man:
Old, shrivelled and at the breaking point of jerking it off.
#3 – Scrawny Teenagers
Pointless exercises, light machine work and damn awful flexing are high on the agenda.
You’ll most likely see the worst form in history as they flutter between seated cable rows, failed pull ups, hip abductors and crunches.
Like a herd of moose, they’ll often avoid the wolf-like-territory that is the free weight area, and will more than likely only be around the “women only” section of the gym.
Telltale signs of Scrawny Teenagers:
Typically in groups of 4 or 5 when half-term is on – they can often be seen spotting one another on the first repetition of each exercise.
#4 – The Squat Inspector
Every gym has one.
When he is not taking 30 minute breaks in between sets or checking how many “likes” he’s gotten on instagram for his newly uploaded pre-gym game face – he’s on a booty call.
He’ll find any excuse to stare at you while you squat and critique your form for his own sexual enjoyment.
But that’s not all:
He’ll even go as far as to press up against you and completely fondle your upper torso to ensure you go “deep” enough on each repetition.
An absolute vile human being.
Telltale signs of the Squat Inspector:
Perched up at the end of a bench gawking like an owl with an awkward semi-erection.
#5 – Jimmy Struthers
After reading one full article in Men’s Fitness Magazine, this man has all of a sudden become a fully qualified PT.
According to himself, he’s also an “expert” on power lifting and has gone on to compete with some of the best during the golden era of Mr Olympia and Mr Universe.
He’ll spend most of his time at the gym trying to help guys get better results without any results to show for himself.
His advice is questionable and quite frankly, is utterly full of shit.
Telltale signs of a Jimmy Struthers:
In his mid-sixties and most likely working out his jaw more than his body.
#6 – The Annoying Crossfitter
When he’s not busy doing endless burpees in the free weight area, he’s usually performing the most neck-breaking exercises to simply grind your gears.
The worst part?
He’ll continually bang on about how superior Crossfit is and will try and convince you to join his fiendish cult.
Besides being one of the most obnoxious gym personalities to ever step foot in the gym, looking like a total douche whilst “working out” is simply his forte.
Telltale signs of the Crossfitter:
Reebok classics, speaking in acronyms and “kipping” pull ups. Avoid at all costs.
#7 – The Clamorous Black Guy(s)
They are commonly lifting a lot of weight and will most certainly make you know about it.
Endless shouting, grunts and clattering of weights on the floor after every set are the order of the day as they make your gym experience a living hell.
They are also largely responsible for all the broken equipment you find too.
Telltale signs of the Clamorous Black Guy(s):
When they are not shattering the earth in the free weight area, they can sometimes be seen chewing off the end of a dumbbell.
#8 – The Secretly Competitive Guy
This guy’s ego smells worse than an unwashed protein bottle shaker and would love nothing more than to out-lift and out-perform you in everything.
The truth is:
He is enviable of you in some way.
Perhaps you got a nice long stare from that hot chick he’s been trying to impress on the cross trainer?
Either way, he’s a twat.
Telltale signs of the Competitive Guy:
Attempting to get one over you only to tear his tendons in the process.
#9 – The Eastern European
He’s big and will have no hesitations in ripping your head off if you dare interrupt his set.
He’ll often endanger your life by chucking weights at the end of every exercise.
“If he dies, he dies”.
Giving a shit is most certainly not his specialty.
Telltale signs of the Eastern European:
Deadlifting 250kg for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
#10 – The Risk Taker
Despite being at risk of entering good ol’ “snap city”, this guy has utterly no regard for his body or other gym goers.
Lost, clueless and downright stupid pretty much sum him up as he attempts to make gains in the most ridiculous way possible.
Perhaps someone should have told him that being a tool has its limits.
Telltale signs of the Risk Taker:
Being wheeled out of the gym on a stretcher.
#11 – The Not So Super-Set Guy
Looking for a bench? Dumbbells? A medicine ball? Your sanity?
Your best bet,
That bitch-of-a-supersetter in front of the mirror gorging over his ghastly physique in his tighter-than-life Under Armour top is hogging it all.
If that wasn’t enough:
He’ll scatter weights in different areas of the gym in order to be a bigger cunt turning your morning workout into a cardio-filled treasure hunt.
Telltale signs of the Superset Guy:
Leaving a happy trail of towels, water bottles, sweat and his hideous concoction of intra-workout formula around every piece of equipment imaginable.
#12 – Scraggy McGee
Despite going to the gym more than usual and wolfing down some protein shakes, he’s fairly lean.
Like a fat girl with big tits, it simply doesn’t count.
He still weighs 40kg and will even go as far as to wear a tank top to the gym.
It doesn’t make him look big, and quite frankly, his lack of muscles is very depressing.
Please put it, whatever you call it, away.
Telltale signs of Scraggy McGee:
Talking to the biggest guys in the gym whilst curling 6kg dumbbells.
#13 – The Unmotivated Guy
We have no idea why he’s in the gym, nor does he.
Not only does he suffer from a severe case of “what the fuck am I doing here?”, he’ll often find some way (any way) to disrupt your workout.
He’ll try to use equipment you were planning on using, but his heart really isn’t in it.
Go home, son. Just go home.
Telltale signs of the Unmotivated Guy:
Walking around the gym like a defunct zombie with 2 failed shoulder press sets to show for his efforts.
#14 – The Profuse Sweater
There’s nothing worse than approaching a bench only for it to be completely drenched in human perspiration.
To make matters worse:
This foul make-up-of-a-man has now made every gym equipment a haven for bacterial infection and has absolutely no qualms about it.
He’s never heard of such a thing.
Telltale signs of the Profuse Sweater:
Looking as if he’s just showered with his clothes on, he’ll often ask how many more sets you have left only to soak your shoes in his sweat.
Word of advice?
Use everything you can before him.
#15 – The Hard Man
A real animal of a man.
He’s been in and out of those gym doors more times than you’ve masturbated in your lifetime.
Not only this:
With a restraining order pending against his ex-girlfriend, he’ll often be taking out his pent up anger on “smashing” his leg session.
Squat rack not available?
No problem, zero fucks will be shown when he begins to lift the metal frame supporting the gym:
Telltale signs of the Hard Man:
Most likely to be wearing an electronic tag on his ankle and boasting various prison-style tattoos.
Proceed with caution.
#16 – The Slut
Everyone’s favourite girl at the gym (yes, everyone’s favourite).
When she is not featuring in her own softcore porn movie, she’ll often wonder why the vast majority of men are staring at her in her scanty performance top and skin-tight Gymshark leggings.
Aside from every guy unloading a barrel of white gunk into her meat locker, there’s no denying she knows exactly what she’s doing and will have no second thoughts in making you look like a sexually frustrated pervert.
Telltale signs of The Slut:
Performing walking lunges around the gym mixed in with some sumo squats, glute kick backs and hip thrusts all the while seeing if she caught your attention.
#17 – The Hopeless Indian Guy
This bro hasn’t the faintest clue as to what the he’s going to be working on.
No real structure to his workout is immediate as he’ll continually rotate between cable bicep curls, calf raises and shrugs with a shoulder roll.
It gets worse:
Not only does he spend an excess of 15 minutes stretching his legs, he’ll often turn up to the gym in the most inappropriate clothes (usually jeans) and spend the majority of time flexing without doing some actual work.
Telltale signs of the Hopeless Indian Guy:
Fresh off the boat and doing anything besides legs. A complete waste of space.
#18 – The Stalker
You get to the gym early, no one’s around, every equipment is free. Perfect.
That is until the stalker shows up.
He’ll find any any excuse to be right beside you, especially when you are running on the treadmill and there are 10 other open ones around.
But you know what else?
He’ll often be dick gazing you faintly in the distance to see what you’re up to.
Calling it a day and gonna hit the showers?
He’s just clocking out too.
Telltale signs of the Stalker:
Sitting on a unilateral machine admiring your gains from afar without realising his testicles are getting smaller by the second.
A pure beta male.
#19 – The MMA Wannabe
Lifting weights, getting big and being a God among men is not what this guy is after.
As a matter of fact, neither have crossed his mind.
Taking up at least 23 square feet of space skipping in the free weights area mixed in with some horrific shadow boxing in his ‘Venom’ t-shirt is what he’ll spend most of his time doing.
The funniest thing is:
He’s never fought anyone a day in his life and will usually be seen more when a main UFC event is nearing.
He’s a knob who should be banned from ever entering a gym.
Telltale signs of the MMA Wannabe:
Watching nooby tutorials on YouTube for the next round of shitty shadow boxing combinations he’ll perform.
#20 – The Cardio Freak
Spring, Summer, Yom Kippur, Halloween, 21st March – it’s always cardio day.
The only time you will see this guy even remotely lift is carrying his bag out of the gym.
He’s mentally claimed several cardio machines just so you weren’t aware of how much cardio he actually does.
He also looks like a complete fag on the rowing machine too.
Telltale signs of the Cardio Freak
The only person in the cardio section who sticks out like a sore thumb.
#21 – The Cheated On Guy
He’s been MIA for a month only to be back for the second time this week pouring his eyes out on the leg press machine.
He was cheated on for not lifting enough and being too much of a pussy to do anything about his girlfriend being sexually aroused by the steroid abuser at the bar buying her a drink.
In any case, it’s highly awkward and he’ll usually be scrolling through his notification-lacking phone.
Telltale signs of the Cheated On Guy:
Will be heard saying things like, “Fuck her bro, I’m gonna be a bodybuilder now”.
#22 – The Shameless Selfie Guy
Not only will this guy have every dumbbell hoarded around him (which he claims to be using), but he’ll also take inappropriate “selfies” between his non-existent sets.
Rather than using the gym mirror to check on his form, he’ll be taking snaps of his deflated tricep and using the hashtag ‘#gains4dayz’ in the name of Instagram likes (the exact reason why the unfollow button was created).
But wait – there’s more:
As we’ve come to expect, people like him have uncanny psychological problems which really didn’t need any research.
Besides, even Jimmy Struthers could tell you that he’s a grade-A bellend.
Avoid wherever possible.
Telltale signs of the Shameless Selfie Guy:
When he’s not taking pictures of his deflated tricep, he’ll often be found with his trousers indecently around his ankles about to defecate on the gym floor for his 10, now 9 Instagram followers.
So there you have it.
22 of the worst gym personalities you’ll ever come across whilst you try to make your gains.
Some outrageous, some stupid and most just plain retarded.
Have you come across any of these gym personalities? Have we missed one off the list?
Let us know in the comments section below!